I wanted to take some time today to share one of my favorite excerpts from my recently released book, “How to Become a Grown-Ass Woman: Modern advice for adulting while making money and smashing the patriarchy.”
This section is from Chapter 7, Love: Searching for a fellow weirdo:
Love isn’t everything.
One of the most profound things I’ve ever read came from an otherwise unhelpful self-help book. The author said something along the lines of, “If your sense of peace relies on another person, you will never have it. Peace does not come from other people; it can only come from within.”
Sit with that for a second.
While we can find moments of peace with others in relationships, moments where you are maybe snuggled together and you feel content to just sit there with them, we can’t rely on others to give us peace in the long term.
While relationships give our lives as humans a lot of meaning, the truth is that other people will let us down every now and then. If our emotional stability relies on another person, we are going to feel like we are on a never-ending roller coaster.
Maybe you instantly recognize that feeling because you’ve been there before. This can often happen when we lose ourselves in another person and our emotional state largely is a result of our interactions with them. For example, have you ever been in a relationship where when everything is good, you’re high in the sky? But then maybe they have a bad day, or you get into an argument, and you instantly feel low?
When we fail to rely on our own strength and emotional stability to float gently above other people’s emotions, we tend to absorb those of the people around us, especially if they are someone we care deeply about. This habit can be even more tempting to those who view themselves as highly emotionally intelligent or sensitive.
The only way out of this pattern is to work on finding peace and stability within yourself, not letting others’ intense emotions impact your own. When you can learn to rely on yourself and trust that your own emotions are true and valid, you become less affected by external forces.
Including this advice in my book was important to me because it was one of the hardest lessons I learned in my twenties. Especially as somebody who has struggled with their mental health, I’ve learned that my relationships, romantic and otherwise, are better when I can stand on my own two feet.
I’ve seen many young women, myself and friends included, “lose” themselves in a romantic relationship. Besides the ill effects of losing touch with friends, becoming too dependent on a partner puts a person at risk of developing codependent tendencies.
If I could tell anything to my younger self when it comes to dating, I’d tell myself to choose myself first and balance my relationships.
I hope you enjoyed this short sneak peek at my book! If you’d like to read more, “How to Become a Grown-Ass Woman” is currently available on Kindle (and FREE if you have Kindle Unlimited!) The paperback will be released on Oct. 3.
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